


What you dont know cant hurt you

by sinfuldesire_archivist



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Abuse, Angst, First Time, Hurt/Comfort, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Season/Series 01
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-05
Updated: 2011-12-05
Packaged: 2018-09-03 10:25:08
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,536
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8708839
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sinfuldesire_archivist/pseuds/sinfuldesire_archivist
Summary: Dean has been keeping a secret from Sam, but what he doesnt know is that Sam already knows his secret.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Note from the Sinful Desire archivists: this story was originally archived at [Sinful-Desire.org](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Sinful_Desire). To preserve the archive, we began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in November 2016. We e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact us using the e-mail address on [Sinful Desire collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/sinfuldesire/profile).

Sam sat there on the other bed watching his brother as he spoke to their father over the phone, the knot in his stomach twisting as his rage slowly grew. Those memories still haunted him and filled him with disgust and contempt for his father. How could he do that? The knot twisted again forcing him to grind his teeth and clench his fists so tight that his knuckles turned white. He could hear the pain in Dean’s voice as he pleaded with their father, which only made his heart sink for him.

 

“Please get to Chicago, dad. We need you on this one” Dean said with desperation in his voice as he hung up the phone. He turned to see Sam back prepping his weapons for tonight’s big hunt, laying out knives, guns, and holy water, taking into account what they will need to face this demon, just like the good little soldiers they were trained to be. “Ready for a big night” dean said, slightly excited at possibly coming face to face with the demon that took their mother and made their lives hell. Sam didn’t respond instead shooting Dean a look as if Dean had just spat in his face. “Something you wanna say, Sammy?” Dean asked, waiting for the inevitable bitching and complaints that usually followed when Sam had that look in his eyes. 

 

“This could all be over tonight” was all Sam said, still looking down at his weapons as he released the clip from his gun before pushing it back into place and cocking the gun. Dean just stopped and waited for his brother to continue on, “I can go back to school and just be a person again” Sam said with a half smirk on his face, “and you can go back to dad”. Dean felt a twinge of pain in his heart as Sam said those words, feeling the loss that he felt 4 years ago when Sam turned his back on him and left for Stanford. “I don’t want you to go, Sam”, the words slipt Deans lips before he could even stop them, “you, me and dad. I want us to be together again. We can be a family again”. Tears pricked behind his eyes as he said those words and Dean swallowed back the lump that had grown in his throat, looking up to Sam to meet his gaze.

 

Sam looked into Deans moss green eyes that were filled with pain and sadness, feeling a pain he had buried long ago deep within himself. “Dean. I’d do anything for you. But things can never go back to the way they were” Sam said, forgetting for a moment the pain that drove him away, while he focused on deans full lips that he had once dreamed of kissing until he thought he would pass out. “They could be” Dean replied with a sense of longing and hope, wanting to reach out and grab Sam holding him close to him so he could never leave him again. “I don’t want them to be”, Sam’s words were cold and cut Dean deep, with the steely look in his eyes that told him that Sam was set on this and wouldn’t be swayed.

 

“What the hell, Sam!” Dean walked away resting his hands on the dingy motel dresser before exhaling loudly his disappointment. He tuned to face his brother again and leaned back on the dresser, “What is it with you and the old man? You’ve had it in for him for years. He’s tried to reach out to you and all you ever do is push him away” Dean was pissed, and new that this was just going start an argument with Sam, but he didn’t care right now. He was tired of having to stand between 

Sam and his father, always at each other throats; he just wanted his Sammy back. He couldn’t lose him again.

 

Sam could feel the need to reach out pull his brother into his arms quickly being swallowed up by the rage he felt for his father, as he remembered the last day they had spoken. The day he left for Stanford, Turning his back on his family and not looking back. 

 

……………………………………..

 

John Winchester was furious that day. His youngest was acting like a spoilt brat, like he was better than them and didn’t belong with them. “Are you just going to forget about what that yellow eyed bastard did to your mother?” he spat the words out looking into his youngest son’s eyes full of hate and spite. “How can I ever forget, when you never let us. Never gave us a chance to ever have a normal life!” Sam was sick of all this bullshit, being treated more like soldiers then sons in this fucked up family. Dean just paced back and forth listening to the abuse being hurled between his father and brother, stepping in occasionally to try and mediate the situation before it grew violent. 

 

John’s fist clenched as he felt the bile rising up in his stomach and did all he could to hold back his anger before shouting back at Sam “so you’re just going to turn your back on this family and think that you can go off and live some picture perfect life? You have a duty to hunt down this demon and avenge your mother. When are you going to learn that there is no normal for us!”. Dean saw the tension in his father’s arm and quickly rushed over to grab it before it could be raised against his little brother. “Dad, if he wants to go off to college, why can’t we just let him go? Maybe we will end up with a doctor in the family” he said smugly, hoping to diffuse his father’s anger. “Stay out of this Dean” Sam hissed as he glared at his father. “This is between me and him” 

 

John ripped his arm from Dean’s tight grip and raised his hand pointing a finger towards Sam and said almost calmly, annunciating the words for their desired effect “you are, nothing, but an ungrateful little bastard”. The room fell silent with those words as Dean just looked on in horror watching the people he loved more than anything tear their family apart. Sam wanted to punch his father and knock him to the ground, so he could straddle him and wrap his hands around John’s thick neck and squeeze while he spat in his face that he knew what he did. The feeling of hate was overwhelming but he knew that he was no match for his father in a fight, so all he could do was hold back the venom that was rising in his throat and silently walk over to the table to grab his already packed bags.

 

Deans eyes widened in disbelief as he saw his brother grab his things from the table and move towards the door. “Sa. Sammy. Please” the words sounded choked and desperate as they left Dean’s mouth. He wanted to grab Sam’s arm and swing him around to face him but was frozen with the shock of the realisation of what was happening here. Sam’s hand reached out for the door knob as his father’s voice called out behind him “You walk out that door. You don’t ever come back. You hear me? Don’t ever come back!” He was already out the door before his father could finish speaking. 

 

He found his feat hesitant to move forward as he stepped out onto the motels gravel parking lot, his father’s words sinking in, making him want to turn back around and go back to Dean. He wanted to grab Dean and pull him out of that room, take him with him so that they could have a life together. No more demons. No more monsters. No more John. Just Sammy and Dean, that’s all he really wanted and it was breaking his heart. Instead he just kept on going, his head dropping down as the tears began to flow, mourning the loss of his brother that he would probably never see again. Moving forward towards the bus station with mixed emotions, feeling joy at the chance of a normal life, anguish for the brother he loved more that he should; and hatred for the man that made them who they are.

 

……………………………………

 

The memory was still clear in Sam’s mind, imprinted forever. And no matter how many walls he may have built up over the years, trying to shut them out, the pain was still the same. “Don’t!” was all Sam said as he Shot Dean a look that could peel paint off walls before returning to pack the hunts weapons into a bag. “Jesus Sammy. What is your problem?” he said as he pushed himself off the dresser and moved towards his brother. He grabbed Sam’s shoulder and squeezed gently trying calm himself down and work out what was going on with Sam. “You’re the one who always wants to talk about our feelings in these chick flick moments, Sammy. So why don’t you just tell me what’s up your ass”. Dean wanted to chuckle to himself and try and lighten the mood but he could feel the tension in Sam’s shoulder and the anger coming off him in waves of heat.

 

Sam was furious, not directly at his brother, but angry enough to lash out all the same. He pushed Dean’s hand off his shoulder and swung around to face him, fingers digging so hard into his palms that they broke the skin allowing blood to flow down his clenched fists. “I saw it, Dean” Sam said in a shaky voice that was almost a whisper. “You saw what?” Dean replied shaking his head and rolling his eyes, half laughing at the vagueness of Sam’s statement. Sam barely moved, fearing his legs would give out from under him as the pain welled up from the deepest depths of his soul. Staring at Dean through the hair that had fallen over his eyes, he spoke again “I saw what he did”. His heart grew colder as he continued to speak, and dean looked at him with worry and confusion “I saw what he did to you Dean!” 

 

Dean’s jaw dropped at those words, sitting down onto the edge of the bed as he felt something inside of him shrivel up and die. He dropped his head down into his hands trying to hold back the tears that were pricking at his eyes and just listened, waiting for his brother to say something, anything. Sam just stared at his brother sitting with his head in his hands, his anger already overflowing as the memories pushed to the surface, filling his eyes with hate, unable to distinguish who was to blame in all this.

 

………………………………………….

 

Sam was 12 and Dean 16 when his family was in a small town in South Dakota, renting an even smaller 2 bedroom house. Their father was busy trying to hunt down a creature that had killed several hikers and campers in the woods that he suspected to be a werewolf, and he was losing time with that night being that last night of the full moon. They’d already been in town for the past few months and hadn’t picked up anything in town that made them suspicious of any of the local townspeople being the target. John had planned to go out and camp in the woods tonight hoping he would get lucky and manage to take out the bastard before anyone else got killed so they could move on to the next hunt. Knowing the dangers of what he was facing he decided it would be best to leave his sons alone in the house, telling Dean to “watch out for Sammy”, before leaving the small town for the woods so he could set up camp before the sun went down.

 

Sam didn’t mind being left home alone with Dean; in fact he rather enjoyed it. They would spend a lot of time together playing cards, talking about anything, or just watching TV curled up close to one another. It had become a pretty normal thing for them both; they didn’t need friends because they had each other, that was all that mattered. Lately though Sam was beginning to notice different things about his brother, nothing that had changed really, it was just that he was beginning to notice how beautiful his brother really was. Dean had always been beautiful, taking a lot after their mother, with his dark blonde hair, full soft lips, and a spattering of freckles that just accentuated his looks. Sure dean had always been beautiful, which attracted a lot of attention from both the girls and the guys, it was just now that Sam was really starting to appreciate it, and even getting jealous of the attention he drew. 

 

Sam got home from school and walked up the driveway to see that the impala was gone, his father already leaving for his hunt tonight. He ran up the steps to their front door happy to be spending the time alone with is big brother. Walking in to see Dean sitting on the couch in front of the TV, quickly turning his head to Sam to give him a smile and say “hey, kiddo. How was school?” Sam blushed at the sight of Dean’s smile before dropping his bag by the door and replying “yeah, it was fine”. Dean chuckled and called him over to the couch so they could catch up on the events of the day. 

 

After hours of talking and laughing, and general brotherly roughhousing; Dean told Sam to grab his homework and he would help him finish it before ordering a pizza for dinner. Sam grabbed his backpack excitedly and set out his work on the kitchen table, even though he never really needed Deans help to get it done, he wasn’t about to pass up an opportunity to have his brother leaning over him. He giggled as he watch Dean scratch his head over a problem that he already had the answer for but took the time to breath in Dean’s musky scent as he leaned in closer to examine the problem. Sam started thinking about the soft trail of hair that had grown down Dean’s bellybutton to the waistband of his boxers that Sam would always admire when watching his brother change, before being snapped back to reality by Dean writing down the incorrect answer to the problem that he had been mulling over. 

 

After they had homework out of the way and finished the overly greasy pizza from the only pizza place in town they both settled onto the couch to enjoy a bit of TV and relax a bit before bed. Dean sitting on the furthest end with his feet resting crossed on the old coffee table, while Sam lay across the couch resting his head in Dean’s lap. Sam laid there staring at the TV not really playing attention to the images that flashed across the screen; think only of his brother and wondering how his lips would taste on his. His thoughts became more intense as Dean rested his hand on the top of Sam’s head and began running his fingers slowly though his hair, slowly sending him off to sleep.

 

Sam slept soundly dreaming of Dean naked in all his glory, sun shining on his blonde hair giving it a golden appearance that only made him seem more beautiful. He looked up at the soft lips that slightly parted allowing his tongue to slide out gently running across his lower lip, leaving a lustrous sheen before pulling back in at softly smiling and saying something to him that was too quiet to be heard. Sam watched those beautiful lips mouthing a single word, Sammy, as he was quickly woken from his dream by his brother calling his name.

 

“Sammy, come one. You have to wake up”. Dean gently nudged Sam urging him from his slumber has he stretched out and turned his head to look up at him with a sleepy smile. “Come on Sammy. Let’s put you to bed” Sammy groaned at those words, but got up begrudgingly so his brother could take him up stairs to their bedroom. “Are you coming to bed too” Sam asked in his most innocent voice, and giving the sad puppy dog eyes, which he knew always had Dean eating out of his palm, but was put off by the response that he got.

 

“Sorry Sam, Dad called while you were out of it and he’s on his way back, the hunt is finished apparently” Dean looked down and couldn’t help but smile at the look of disappointment on his little brother face, knowing that he would do anything for him. He pulled back the covers for Sam so he could get in and then said “don’t worry, I’ll be up soon. I just want to make sure dad’s ok and then I’ll be right up”, as he pulled the covers up over Sam. Sam grunted his agreement then rolled onto his side as Dean kissed him on the top of his head and ruffled his hair a little before getting up and moving to the door. Dean looked back at his little brother before switching off the light and saying “night Sammy”, getting a sleepy “night Dean” in responses as he closed the door and headed back down stairs to wait for their father.

 

When John got back he was already pretty drunk, which was not unusual for him and running pretty hot from the adrenalin high of his successful hunt. He walked in the door seeing his eldest waiting for him with a first aid kit at hand ready to help take care of any injuries that may have been sustained, fortunately though he was lucky enough to get a clean shot and take the werewolf out before it had even spotted him. John stared at dean for a moment looking into those deep green eyes filled with worry, that reminded him so much of Mary, God how he missed her. “Everything ok here?” he said still staring at his son, “just fine dad. I’ve already put Sam to bed”. “Good, good” John responded while nodding and moving his eyes to the floor.

 

John walked over to the couch and dropped down into it with a weary sigh and picked up the glass of whiskey sitting on the coffee table, put there ready for his return by Dean, and knocked back the entire glass swallowing it down as it burned his throat. He put the glass down with a heavy thud and reached for the bottle on the table to refill his glass. 

 

Dean came over and sat with his father, worrying about him drinking so much, knowing that it only made his father sadder with memories of happier times. Dean watched as his father lifting the glass to his mouth downing his second glass of whiskey, adding to how ever many drinks his father had already drunk before getting home, thinking of how he wished he could take away all his father’s pain and that their family could just live a normal life, and he could keep Sammy safe. These thoughts always seem to sadden him and brought tears welling to his eyes as he looked up to meet his father’s gaze.

 

Sam woke, not knowing how late it was and rolled over onto his back to look over at his brother, but when he turned he found that he was alone in the bed. Thinking Dean would probably be down stairs he decided to go down and check it out, hoping that his father was home and might be in a good mood with the hunt finally being over, rather than his usual cold demeanour and short temper. Opening his bedroom door as quietly as possible he snuck out onto the landing listening to the sounds that were coming from downstairs. 

 

He could hear his father’s voice a mix of grunts and slurred words, as well as soft groans coming from Dean as he edged closer to the banister for a better view. Though what he saw made him step back, seeing his brother naked lying face down on the couch unable to move as his father had one hand holding him down by his shoulder and the other gripping the back of the couch for balance. John ground furiously in to Dean, grunting as his pleasure built up. John was slamming into Dean with a strong and steady force, the muscles of his ass flexing as he pulled back and drove his cock back in. Sweat ran down his father’s back, pooling in all the crevices of his muscles, building up speed with animalistic grunts at his wild fucking of his eldest son.

 

Sam could only watch as the heavy muscular form of his father cried out with release then collapsed back down on top of dean, grabbing at his hair and pulling him into a kiss before saying with laboured breath “I love you Mary, love you so much. Don’t ever leave me again, baby”. Sam backed away from the shocking sight, holding his breath and trying to stop himself from crying out. He quickly ran back to his bed and climbed in. His cock was hard straining to escape the confines of his pyjama pants at the sight of his beautiful naked brother, but his heart was broken by the sight of what their father had done to Dean. So Sam pushed his face into the pillow and let the tears come as he softly cried himself to sleep. 

 

The next morning when Sam awoke he rolled over in the bed to look at his still sleeping brother, admiring the beauty of his chiselled jaw and perfectly formed muscles that were still growing. He smiled for a second before the memories of the previous night began to creep in and now when he looked at his brother all he could see was the broken shell of his brother that their father had defiled. He could feel a heavy knot developing in his gut and all he could think about was how much he hated his father for ruining his big brother. 

 

As Sam got older the pain he felt for his brother grew stronger, as did the hate he felt for his father grow, for hurting his brother. The one person, who always looked after him, loved and protected him; and that he loved more than anything on this world, his Dean. Every time he looked into Dean’s eyes he wanted to pull his brother into his arms and hug him tight telling him that everything would be ok. But he couldn’t, he looked at his brother now seeing his beauty and feeling the lust rise up in him, only hating himself for feeling like that and thinking he was no better than his father for lusting after Dean and wanting to feel his naked skin under his hands. This went on until Sam was 18 feelings only growing stronger, lust, anger, guilt, hatred; a vicious cycle that was consuming him.

 

He couldn’t take it any longer knowing what John was doing to dean, seeing them together acting as if everything was ok. But he knew the truth. Nothing was ok, and he couldn’t live like this anymore. As much as it hurt him to leave Dean behind, he couldn’t stay there and watch as that monster put his hands all over his dean. He would get out of there, his applications to attend Stanford already accepted, and never have to look at his father again. The only thing that was holding him back was Dean. “I’m so sorry Dean, I wish. I wish I was stronger for you” Sam whispered to himself as he finally made his decision.

 

…………………………………

 

Sam stood there, the feelings of love and pain he held onto so tightly within him were being pounded by waves of anger that came crashing down on him from those memories. He turned his head to look again at the solemn figure sitting on the end of the bed quietly weeping, and without thought or care he said “That bastard touched you”. The words came out cold and harsh as Dean lifted his head and looked at the dark figure of his brother, once so beautifully innocent, now looking crazed and wild with rage. “No, Sammy” Dean said, his voice cracking through his pain, “it wasn’t like that”. Sam Looked at him and stared for a moment before asking “what did you say?” and shifting on his feet with unease as the rage in him boiled beyond control. 

 

Dean shook his head looking down on the ground unable to look into his brothers eyes and see all the hate and pain. “You don’t know how tough things were for us Sam; you don’t know what it was like for dad. He needed me. I couldn’t let him suffer like that”. Sam turned away from Dean at his response and began to pace the already worn carpet of their room, not knowing what the hell to say to something like that. “He was lost; you can’t blame him for what he did. I let it happen. I wanted for dad to be happy again. I wanted to make dad happy”. Sam listened to Dean’s words but continued to pace, his mind running wild with confusion and anger, unable to respond and not sure how to even respond to what he was hearing.

 

Watching his brother pacing the room, Dean waited for some kind of response from Sam, sensing his anger he knew that whatever was coming was not going to be good. Tired of the awkward silence in the room and Sam’s constant pacing he stood up off the bed hoping to just get the inevitable out of the way, so they could get on with what needed to be done. He took a step towards Sam and reached out to grab hold of him, but was suddenly met by Sam’s fist hitting him hard in the jaw, sending him falling back onto the bed. Sam was on him before his head was even clear enough for him to work out what hit him, striking him again just as hard in the face as he screamed “you wanted it! You wanted his cock inside you!” Sam’s voice was twisted with rage, barely reaching Dean as he struggled to stay conscious. Sam was lost in his rage, forgetting himself and all that he cared for as the adrenalin pumped through his body fuelling the fire that was growing inside of him, just as his cock began to stir between his legs. 

 

Dean muttered something out incoherently as Sam’s fist came down again striking him hard in the face for a third time. Tears ran down his face, not only from the searing pain that was spreading through his face, but also for the guilt that his beautiful innocent Sammy knew the truth. Tears mixed with blood as Sam got off of Dean, not knowing what to do, and feeling only hate and pain as he looked down at his raw and bleeding fist, his own blood mixed with that of his brothers. He listened to the quiet mutterings of Dean as he repeated over and over again “I’m sorry. I love you so much Sammy”, like some mantra that would take away their pain. But all it did was enrage Sam more.

 

Unable to control himself any longer he reached over grabbing Dean by his hair pulling him up from the bed and bending down to meet him face to face. “You fucking love me Dean? Is that it?” Sam shouted into his brother’s woozy face. He let go of his brothers hair letting him slump back down onto the bed and then grabbed dean’s arm twisting it behind his back as he forced him face down bent over the bed. Lust rose up in him mixing with his rage and driving Sam into a frenzy of passion and violence as something deep inside him screamed out for satisfaction.

 

Dean was ripped back to consciousness by the sudden pain in his shoulder as Sam twisted his arm behind his back with brutal force. Bearing his weight down on top of him, Sam reached under Dean and began to unbuckle Dean’s belt and pants with a sense of urgency and Dean struggled beneath him. Ripping Dean’s jeans and boxers down in one swift move Sam laid on top of his struggling brother and whispered into his ear “So when he’s cock was inside you, did you imagine it was me?”. Sam used the weight of his own body to hold dean down as he undid his own pants and got them down to his knees. “Stop this Sammy. Please” Dean pleaded to his brother, his voice barely audible, over the furious breathing of his brother in his ear.

 

Taking Dean’s arm tight against his back, Sam pulled away from Dean using his great size to keep him in pace while he stuck two fingers of his other hand in his mouth. He glared down at Dean with such anger as Dean said “Sam, don’t do this” his voice wracked with pain. Sam removed the two fingers from his mouth and licked them, doing his best to coat them in plenty of saliva, moving them slowly down to Dean’s muscular ass carefully trying to position them right at the tight little hole as Dean began to struggle. “No! Sammy! No!” Dean shouted with as much strength as his aching jaw would allow, right as Sam plunged the two fingers in, knuckle deep, causing dean to push his face into the mattress and scream out “FUCK!!!”. Sam twisted his fingers around looking for the soft bundle of nerves, and began rubbing it gently to make Dean relax a little and make this easier. “I loved you” Sam said, face wet with tears and sweat. 

 

As Sam pulls his fingers from Dean’s ass, Dean feels a sudden emptiness and a loss of sensation that causes him to slump down turning his head to Sam and say “I’m sorry Sammy” in a soft tone. Sam worked up the saliva in his mouth spat it down into the crevice of Dean’s ass and let it slide down into his hole while rubbing his copious precum over the head of his already hard cock, he leant down onto Dean and said “so am I Dean”. Bringing the head of his cock up to Dean’s hole he pushed in slowly but with a steady force until he bottomed out as Dean groaned out loudly in pain before falling silent again. Sam waited a few moments to give Dean a chance get used to the pain, and then pulled all the way out till only the head of his cock was still inside, then pushed back in with a steady even thrust. 

 

Dean just laid there taking the thrust of Sam’s cock as waves of burning pain radiated through his body, and all he could think was please don’t leave me Sammy. Sam’s thrusts became harder and faster as he released Dean’s arm and changed the angle of his cock causing it to brush over Dean’s prostate and send bolts of pleasure that quickly run straight to Dean’s brain, mixing with his pain and making his cock stiffen into the mattress. 

 

Leaning over Dean, Sam whispered into his ear “Why him?” he slowed his pace and allowed his body to rest over Dean’s and began kissing the back of Dean’s neck softly. “You were everything to me Dean and you picked that fucking sadistic bastard over me” Sam said softly while continue to kiss Dean’s neck. Pushing himself up again, Sam increased his speed and began pounding his cock furiously into Dean’s ass grunting out his pleasure while Dean let of soft whimpers of pleasure and pain. 

 

Deep within himself he could feel the knot unwinding feeling satisfied with the pleasure he was taking from Dean, thrusting harder and deeper looking to loose himself in his older brother. “Please Sammy” Dean’s words were hitched by the hard thrust of Sam inside him pushing his achingly hard cock into the mattress causing him to get lost in the maddening sensations he was feeling. For that brief moment they were both lost in each other, no more pain or hurting, just the two of them joined as one. Orgasm ripped Sam back to reality making him lean back and let out a loud guttural moan, as his balls pulled up into his body and unleashed hot jets of cum deep into his brother, pushing him over the edge too. “Love you Sammy” Dean groaned out as his cum spilt on to the mattress beneath him.

 

Sam collapsed down onto dean breathing heavily as his senses came back to him. He looked down at his brother’s face, bruised and bleeding, as the realisation of what he has just done came flooding in. The guilt screamed in his head as he quickly pulled his softening cock out of Dean causing him to wince. He didn’t say a word, not even know what he could say to Dean after what he just did, all he could do was think about how wrong this all was, how he was no better than his fucked up father, and that he had to leave. He couldn’t even look at Dean, it hurt too much to think that he loved him so much, but hurt him so badly, the best thing he could do for both of them both is go far away and never come back.

 

Still lying their Dean breathed in short shallow breathes, not sure what to do, what to say. He watched as Sam began grabbing his things and stuffing them into his duffle bag, not caring about packing things neatly. He moved around the room, into the bathroom, and around the beds before stopping at the end of Dean’s bed and looking down at the bruised and broken man that is his brother, pants still around his knees as the evidence of Sam’s anger leaked down the crevice of his crack and over his balls. Sam shuddered with regret at the sight and said “I’m so sorry, Dean” as he turned to head for the door.

 

As Sam reached the door he heard dean shift on the bed and call out to him “please. Sammy. Don’t go”. Sam stopped hand reaching out for the door as he turned around to face Dean, who limped towards him holding his pants up around his waist. The sight broke Sam’s heart as he moved his eyes to the floor and let out a soft sob, and when dean stopped in front of him and put his hands on either side of Sam’s head raising it to face him, Sam could not control the tears that began to stream down his face. “I love you Sammy” Dean said calmly. “Please don’t go, I can’t lose you again” with those words Dean lost all his self-control and dropped down to his knees and broke down crying. 

 

He’d never seen his brother like this, so vulnerable, so open. The bag dropped from Sam’s shoulder as he bent down to his older brother to give him the comfort and protection that Dean had given him on so many occasions. Wrapping his arms around him he pulled Dean close, sitting on the ground with his back against the door, allowing Dean to rest his head on Sam’s chest and just cry. Sam held him tight to him running his fingers through his hair as Dean said “don’t leave me, Sammy. I need you”. Sam leaned down and kissed Dean on the top of he’s head and said “I promise Dean. I’m gonna look after you” then pulled him in closer and finally said “I love you Dean”.

 

After saying nothing for a few minutes Dean lifted his head from Sam’s chest and said “I only ever wanted to protect this family, I didn’t mean for what happened with Dad. He was lonely. He missed mom. I just wanted to try and take away some of that pain”. Sam didn’t say anything, his actions had drained all his anger and yet he could not forgive his father for what he did to Dean, so all he did was kiss Dean’s lips, gently so as not cause any pain to his already battered face. 

 

Sam began to get to his feet and help Dean up off the floor, when he said “I don’t think you’re in any condition for a hunt right now, how about we just call it a night and get some rest. We can pick it up tomorrow night”. Dean struggled to his feet and nodded his head in approval, the pain through his body was diffidently an indication that he was not up for a hunt.

 

As they moved to the bed Dean grabbed Sam’s hand and asked “Sleep with me?” his voice shaky with doubt, all Sam could do was give him a slight smile and say “of course”. They began to strip down and Sam had to help Dean out of his clothes, but as Sam reached to pull down Dean’s boxers, Dean grabbed his hand and said “no offence dude, but do you mind if we keep our boxes on? I don’t think I can handle a round two right about now”. Sam chuckled and left his boxers on, happy that Dean still had a sense of humour after all this, then climbed into the bed. Dean Climbed in after Sam moving carefully to avoid the wracking pain in his body, allowing Sam to pull him into his body and rest his arm over Dean’s body.

 

Sam wanted this more than anything else and he was happy that he had his brother in his arms, no, he was happy he had the man he loved in his arms. And that thought brought a smile to his face, so much though that he kissed dean gently and said “love you Dean” to which Dean replied “love you Sammy” as his weary body slumped into a deep sleep. Sam looked down at Dean, tears of regret welling his eyes for the violence he had unleashed on his brother. He loved him more than anything, and he knew Dean loved him too, but he also knew that soon he would have to face his father. What was he supposed to do then? He didn’t know anymore. All he knew was that Dean was his, he wouldn’t let their dad come between them, no matter what, he would protect Dean. His train of thought was lost as Dean let out a soft snore that made Sam chuckle, forgetting the impending dread that was yet to come, so he let out a soft sigh and cuddled into Dean as he closed his eyes and let sleep take them both.


End file.
